A long-awaited Break

Just a quick story here to intersperse between the segments of the Turtle Theory. Found this on the back of a Port-A-John in some school I was in. Why they have portable toilets, I do not know, but do not question what you have been blessed with.

Mouth is burning. Throat is dry, parched. Legs are about to fall off. There's a rumbling in my tummy. Why did I have to try the Chili Con Carne? It feels as though I'm excreting fire. Breath is coming in short spurts. I can barely move my arms. Every time I cough, I emit smoke and I let off another rocket. Any moment now, and I'm going to take off and fly. 


No! I must be strong. I must leave my mark in this dark portable can. If not now, it will never happen. Okay, deep breaths, boy. Just let is out slow- oh damn. That WAS NOT slow. Is it me, or is it really hot in here? It kinda feels like a sauna. I had best be out of here before the heat melts the toilet walls and I'm left out here with my posterior hanging out for everyone to see. Honestly, I don't really mind, but I think the sight of a shiny red posterior would scare away a lot of kids. Possibly a boatload of kids. 


Now that raises a question. How many makes a boatload? I suppose it depends on the number of boats you have. I think I could scare away a raft-sized boat full of kids, but if a boat the size of the Titanic came around, I don't think they'd be scared. Maybe they'd laugh and point at me. Oh no. They'll POINT at me! I should probably go right after this- oh wow. That hurt. Okay, maybe I'll go as soon as I can get up without excreting recently digested Chili Con Carne. 


If there is anything I've learnt from this, it's to never eat Chili Con Carne, especially if its cooked by a Mexican looking guy who speaks with an Asian accent and claims to be selling "All-American Chili". If that was what America tastes like, I never want to lick it. Hang on, how do you lick a country? I supp-

At this point, the writing stops, and the wall is coated in a reddish-brown substance that is soft to the touch and feels slightly warm. I had better wash my hands after touching that. I think I saw a bean in there. 
For those of you who don't know what Chili Con Carne is, check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chili_con_carne
Hey look! You're getting an edookayshun!

Turtle Theory (Part 3)

Hello again. In the first two parts of our multi-part segment on the Turtle Theory, I introduced you people to the concept of the Tadpole and of the fish. These can be read at http://poopoutyourideas.blogspot.com/2011/07/turtle-theory-part-1.html
and
http://poopoutyourideas.blogspot.com/2011/09/turtle-theory-part-2.html
If you have not read any of these parts, I suggest that you do so. If, however, you insist on being a rock-headed pig with no respect for the rules, go right ahead. I am not stopping you. But I have stalled for too long. We shall now proceed to enlighten ourselves on the next parts of our Turtle Theory, that is the tale of the fisherman.


The Fisherman


The role of the fisherman, much like the fish, is an ancient one. Where there are fish, there will always be a fisherman or two. As the name implies, these fishermen are tasked with corralling and catching these fish. They search the wide oceans, hunting, occasionally in packs, but more often than not alone. They employ a wide range of lures and traps to catch their fish, often spiking these utensils with the most luscious of all bait. When they have identified their fish, they will move in for the kill. Again, please be reminded that this is a mere metaphor and that no actual killing is involved except in the case of psychopaths. Once catching said fish, fishermen may choose to either keep these fish as trophies and be content for evermore, or eat them, stripping them to their bony carcasses and hurling these empty shells back into the sea. It all matters on the personality of the fisherman. As such, the fisherman is almost always portrayed as the villain of this piece, the so-called bad guy, when in actual reality all he OR she wants is to have a fish of their own. Such pitiful misunderstandings often occur and can be damaging for life. Not the fishermen, but the fish.

THIS CONCLUDES PART 3. PART 4 IS COMING SOON!

Turtle Theory (Part 2)

In the first part of our multipart Turtle Theory, we discussed the humble origins of turtles and other creatures. We have laid down the fact that everyone starts life at the same point, as a tadpole. Now, let us carry on to the first of the creatures a tadpole might evolve into after puberty. This creature will come in a pair with another creature, but more on that later. For now, I present to you:

The Fish

The fish is the default creature that most tadpoles evolve into. As the name implies, it is an ever-wandering creature, exploring the deeps and gaining experiences. Yet, it remains susceptible to trickery and is a creature that is easily confused and lured. Yes, I said that. Confused. The fish is, as is the case with real fish, easily baited. Simple lures, simple promises of trust and security, are able to bamboozle these innocent fish. Before you know it, these fish are caught out in the open air, gasping to live, flopping on the shore, at the mercy of their tormentors. But, as I said, more on that later. Basically, the fish is the type of person who is easily lured. Emotionally unstable, these fish are no more than mobile volcanoes, ready to explode at any given moment. They swim the oceans deep, searching for stability, a rock to anchor themselves to. If the rock turns out to be dangerous for them, they are unable to retreat, snagged as they are by the danger’s stunning allures. If by chance, they manage to escape, they often do so at the expense of being scarred for life. 

THIS CONCLUDES PART 2. PART 3 IS COMING SOON!

Turtle Theory (Part 1)

In life, there have been thousands of ground-breaking theories. Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.  Newton’s Theory of Gravity. Then there were theories that did not make sense. C.S. Lewis’ theory of nonsense, for example. But today, I write to you to tell you of a new theory. A theory so new only FIVE people apart from yours truly know of its existence. A theory that will have you introspecting over and over and over again. I present to you the Turtle Theory. Do not be alarmed. Though it is a long theory, I will be breaking it apart into several segments, each to come in its own time as I expand it. In this first part of my theory, I shall explain to you the roles and details of the three main characters in my theory: The fisherman, the fish, and the turtle. But of course, each role shall get its own post on this blog. Each role will be explained in depth about origins, causes, and further details. It will be a project unlike any other. As such, this will take a while. Sit back, relax, brew some coffee, and let us begin. Just note that everything said here is a metaphor for something else.

             I shall start my theory today with the simplest of all creatures, the basis of life, the phase through which everyone goes through: That of the simple tadpole.

The Tadpole

Before one can step onto the path towards turtledom or otherwise, one has to go through a waiting room, an incubation period of sorts. In humans, that incubation period is of course, childhood. From the moment you are born, you are a tadpole. As a tadpole, you are free to swim the deep sea, exploring the aquatic wilderness. 

During your explorations, you may come across experiences and other tadpoles. These will form the nucleus of your future choice. Every tadpole you meet, every water you swim, every danger you skirt, will ultimately affect your choice. But we will get to that later. As a tadpole, nothing much is required of you. It is merely the transition period. 

The moment one hits that demonic period called puberty, however, is when a tadpole stops being a tadpole. It should also be noted that once a tadpole has stepped into the deep blue sea, said tadpole cannot turn back. It is a permanent change, not unlike what humans go through during puberty. 

This though, is not a physical change nor a spiritual one. It is more of a mental change.

TO BE CONTINUED...

The First Three Minutes Of Your Life

It's dark in here. It's also pleasantly warm. This is nice. Hey, there's a light there! It's so fascinating. I think I'm going to move towards it. Let's just go ever so slowly. Okay, now I seem to be stuck. This is mighty uncomfortable. I seem to be completely unable to move. Let's just spare a moment to muse on my fate. Is this what my life is going to turn out to be, just an eternity of being stuck here?

                Hey, I'm moving! That's the way. I'm coming out! Look out, here I come! Oh, wait, I seem to be slightly stuck. Well, not anymore. Now I'm moving along just fine. Hey, there are some things here at the ends of my body! I wonder what they are. I can thrash them around pretty well. Let's see, maybe I could call them my arms. I'll just think of a better name later. Guess what, there's another two of these things near my bottom! In order not to get myself confused, I think I'll just call them my legs. So, now I have arms and legs. I wonder, do they have any real function? Time will tell.

               There's a large pink blob hovering over me right now. It looks so weird, I think it should have a weird name. Hmm, I wonder, would face work? Yes, I think I'll call it a face. I wonder if I have one. Oh, how I wish I could see myself right now. I must look pretty weird. Hey, someone's poking me! Cut it out! Maybe if I make a loud noise they will stop. I wonder, what classifies as a loud noise? Well, seeing as I've never done this before, I suppose I should try.

               There. I wonder how was that. Hey, they don't seem annoyed! In fact, they look kind of smug. I think I'll stop, then. Suddenly, I'm moving. Well, this is awkward. I'm going up. Hey, there's something warm up here. It smell nice, and it feels warm. I think I should open my eyes a little wider to see what I've gotten myself into. Hey, that face looks so comforting. It speaks to me. I feel so calm and tired. I feel myself slipping away. No, I must stay awake in order to experience new things. But it just feels so nice.

               Let's try something new. I think I'll just throw my arms and legs around a little bit. That should get them concerned. Hey, hey, what's this sensation? It's like someone's stroking my head ever so slowly. This is relaxing. It's so calming. Suddenly I don't feel like being active anymore. In fact, this drowsiness is taking over me. I think I'm going to take a short break. But when I get back, the world will remember me. Count on it.

Update For Readers

Dear readers,

This is the author here. To all my readers, please take note. I know this might come as a surprise to some of you, but my blog is heading in a new direction. I will still be writing stories, but they will be longer and not as light-hearted. The occasional scratching from behind the port-a-john will emerge, but for the most time I will be focusing on a more serious story angle. If any of you do not agree with the steps that I am taking to change this blog, please leave a comment. This is not permanent, as my mind changes with the seasons. But here's a reminder for all of you: Change must and will come. Just accept it. Thank you very much and you will most likely hear from me again soon in the near future.

                                                                                                                                   Yours sincerely,

                                                                                                              The Hero of The Port-A-John

A Dearth Of Creativity

Here's another one, and not a minute to late by my reckoning. Enjoy!

Hi there. OK, that felt weird. I just scratched the words "Hi. there." into a piece of lousy plastic. Who's gonna enjoy looking up from their big business and reading about some guy saying hi? That is about as interesting as watching fungus grow on a fresh bologna sandwich. Not fun at all. The other day, I found a maggot in an apple. What a cliche. Why can't it for once be an earthworm or a earwig or even a tarantula? Why must it be a maggot? Sometimes, I really feel as if my life is kinda boring and predictable. No, I'm not an emo-head. 

What does emo even mean? Does it like mean emotional? But aren't emo people lacking emotion whereas emotional people are full of it? This guy doesn't understand at all. Well, what's next? I suppose I should tell a story. 

Once upon a time...

That was cheesy. Stories shouldn't start like that. They should start in the most explosive way possible. That might either excite them till they wet themselves or it might just kill them .OK. Let's scratch out amazing idea #963: Placing fireworks in books. But it could be a good idea. After all, who doesn't want to see beautiful fireworks jumping and leaping out of the book as soon as you turn the page? Of course, the smoke trails from the fireworks might smear the pages and the heat might cause the books to catch fire, but a small price to pay for an amazing read. 

I suppose you've guessed it by now that I probably have ADHD. Oh yeah, did you know that I've already completed my uhmmmm... business several minutes ago. Don't know? Well now you do. I am really bored right now. Nothing is flowing, and that includes my business as well as my thoughts. Oh look! There seems to be scratches here. It looks as if someone used their fingernails to claw at the plastic. This is weird. I wonder what happened. Hey! There's some sort of darkish red stain on the side wall! 

It looks like blood. Ewwwwwwwww. I wonder what it tastes like. 

On second thought, maybe not. It's probably infected with E.coli or something like that, or maybe it's got herpes on it. I don't wanna get herpes! Herpes is lame. Hey, why is the ground around me rumbling? Is there going to be an earthquake? Wait a minute, this place doesn't get earthquakes! So, what is it? It seems to be coming from underneath this portable commode. Weird. Maybe it's pranksters. The other day, I pulled a prank on this guy. It was so funny. I'll tell you guys about it. It all started with a roll of toi---

At this point, the etching is cut off, with a huge spatter of blood underneath it. On further inspection the blood spatter is covering a series of etchings by different people, all seemingly saying the same thing: HELLO!

The toilet seat itself looks as though a man has been dragged through it, though that's probably just my imagination. On the ceiling is yet another carving, reading: Est hoc monstra latrina patera. Cave!