So, once again we return. I apologize for the rather lengthy hiatus, for I have been busy. Oh well. All is not lost. Shall we begin? I think we should.
So, what shall I be writing about today? Should it be a classic port-a-john post? I don’t remember having done one of those in a long time. Shall it be a dark story with a humorous ending? I don’t think so. Let’s just write and see where this goes.
Think back, to when you guys were kids. To a carefree time, a time of pleasures and joy. In a lush meadow, full of lush greenery and beautiful flowers. The sound of small children playing, it pleases the ears, as long as you don’t know what they’re saying. Have that image in your mind? Hang on to it for a quick second. Now, it’s time for the switch-up. A thousand cows fall from the sky, bellowing out cries of alarm at being tossed out of God’s hands like a fat kid dropping ice-cream on the sidewalk. The first cows splat on the ground with a horrible sound and an even more horrible smell. In their fear, the rest of the cows release enough methane gas to block out sunlight for a moment. Children running everywhere, tripping over themselves and disembowelled cow bellies. Confused cows falling from the skies. Crippled cows stampeding everything in their path. The meadow smells of blood and gore. Within seconds, the meadow runs red blood with blood. A hundred children moan in pain, drowned out only by the sound of five hundred cows dying.
Let us move away from that horrible scene in your mind right now. You sick person, I bet your mind automatically added in horrible visual and sound effects. So sick. Whatever. Let’s move on. Imagine yourself lying on a pristine beach. The sand is pearly white, soft to the touch. The sea laps invitingly ten feet from your spot. It is azure and sparkling, nary a high roller in sight for miles. The sun is bright and yellow, yet not unbearably hot. You take in a deep breath. This is the life. Once again, the switch up. A huge hole appears in the ground next to you. A million, no a billion small crabs crawl out of the hole at the nearest rock looking object. You. A thousand spiny legs crawl over you, a thousand pincers nibble into your soft flesh, drawing blood. Your skin is slowly peeled off, exposing the raw flesh underneath. That’s not it. A thousand fishes rise up from the sea, arcing in graceful trajectories to land on your body. Salt water enters every crevice of your body, stinging you painfully everywhere there is exposed flesh. You struggle to get up, but nothing works. The fish start puking into your mouth, your nostrils, your navel. Horrible yellow liquid comes out of the fishes every orifice, smelling offensive. It is thick and tarry. You try to scream but no sound comes out as your mouth is already full of the yellow liquid.
Still haven’t pressed that ‘X’ yet? Very well. I can see that you are a resilient character. Let us move on. You are lying in your bed. It is raining outside. Thunder and lightning are out and about. You are safe and warm in your bed, under the covers. Your laptop or mobile device rests on your lap. Headphones obscure your hearing. What are you listening to? Well, anything you want to. Pick a favourite song or tune. Put it on. Then continue reading. All good? Okay. You’re feeling at peace with the world. The world feels at peace with you. You read on, waiting for the punch line. So far, so good. Where’s the switch up ? Maybe I’m doing all this to put you on your guard against falling cows and puking fish. Maybe I’m just messing with your mind. Or maybe there is something but I’m just not showing you. Ok then. Time for the obligatory switch-up. You’ve all been waiting for this. Here we go.
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